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Reflections on 51 Years of Marriage
June 7, 2021 marks 51 years of marriage to my truly extraordinary wife, Ruth, following 2.5 years of dating. I'm in awe of both the uber-dynamic adventures we've shared and how fast the years have flown by! Amidst my cornucopia of memories, I'll endeavor to hone in on and relate several highlights of our marriage and key lessons that we've learned over the decades.
Hope for Marginalized Male Partners
During my counseling and coaching practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I've witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces.
Sharing Feedback
Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another.
Aaah, Retreats!
In late February of this year, my wife Ruth and I engaged in a five-day guided, silent retreat, the latest of many similar ones in which we’ve participated. I’ll describe that experience in this blog post.
The Energy of Love
February, the love month, most notably celebrated on the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day, is here again. Love is one of, if not the most, common topics in books, articles, movies, songs, and discussions. However, love has so many facets and dimensions that we gain much more from developing heart, gut, and mental wisdom about love through life experience than we do from describing it.
Putting the "Y" into Holidays
December is the ideal month of the year to convert holidays into holy days. For my wife Ruth and I, life itself is holy. However, this last month of the year affords a special opportunity to balance the tumult of December parties and gift shopping with sacred activities. Let me explain why (“y”).
The Loneliness Epidemic
As a psychologist and couples’ coach, I’ve witnessed plenty of lonely people over the years. However, loneliness appears to have become an emotional epidemic in recent years!
Common Ways That We Regard Love
Love is one of the major themes of books, poems, movies, TV shows, and songs. I’d venture to say that there are as many views of what love means as there are people in the world. However, these various perceptions, desires, and objectives can be clustered into some common motifs.
Here are some key examples of different attitudes and approaches about romantic love...
From Work to Home
Ruth and I have supported many clients struggling with the transition between work life and home life. Increasingly, more couples complain that they are overstressed by their jobs and long work hours; they have little left in the tank upon returning home. Also, they often report that they have difficulty letting go of their experiences of the day. Hence, connection and quality time with their partners and families is substantially diminished.
Sparking!
It’s so easy and so very common for the grind of daily routines and tasks to detract from quality, enjoyable connection in your love relationship. This is likely to be particularly true for those of you who have been together for a long time. Often we relegate special moments together to special occasions, such as vacations or passionate lovemaking.
I Really Need Your Love!
In this month dedicated to celebrating love, especially romantic love, I’d like to discuss the influence of much of the music written for lovers and broken-hearted people.
Tribute to THE Balabusta
My 98-year-old mother-in-law Shirley passed in early January, having by one month reached her long-time goal of living beyond her mother’s age. In an era of stay-at-home moms, Shirley was the quintessential balabusta—a Yiddish expression meaning “mistress of the house” or good housekeeper. She was the poster girl for a clean and organized household. All of her relatives teased Shirley about remaining within arm’s reach of her yellow sponge. To exemplify her systemized ways of doing things, she conscientiously kept the mustard to the right of the ketchup in her refrigerator. When dinner guests were due, Shirley inevitably set the table at least a day prior to their arrival.
Putting the Holy in Holiday
I’m old enough to have sadly witnessed decades of increasing commercialization of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, and Christmas in our country. Holiday advertising has started earlier and is more prolific than ever. In recent years, Thanksgiving celebrations are often interrupted by Black Friday shopping, which actually begins on Thanksgiving itself, to be followed by Cyber Monday. Most stores keep longer hours for weeks leading to Christmas.
Turkey Time Talk
Everyone realizes that Thanksgiving Day is an annual holiday set aside for family and friends to gather, play games, watch football, and feast together. I suggest that optimally, Thanksgiving also offers a special opportunity to reflect on and express what we’re deeply grateful for in our lives.
A Vital Journey
As Jews from birth, my wife Ruth and I have aspired for decades to visit our homeland Israel. As Sufi mystics and peacemakers, we have worked for years to unite the Abrahamic traditions and have envisioned engaging in unifying dialogues in Israel. Finally, at the respective ages of nearly 72 and 70, we were blessed to spend two full weeks in Israel (following five days enjoying Greece), traveling through many Israeli cities and towns.
Four Worlds Part 4: Spirituality in Partnership
This blog post concerning spirituality with your partner is the final one of a four-part series on the Four Worlds. Spirituality is a significant or even foundational element of many people’s lives (as it is for Ruth and me). However, for many others, it is non-relatable, or an area that is lightly touched upon - or outright avoided. Some folks consider themselves both spiritual and religious; others endorse just one of those terms.
Four Worlds Part 3: Mental, Not Judgemental
This blog post, the third of a four-part series on the Four Worlds, is focused on the mental aspect. I will touch on several components of mental activity and primarily address an area that I consider especially empowering for individuals and in relationships. One form of couple's intimacy that often gets downplayed involves intellectual, topical, philosophical, or political discussions.
Re-Connecting During the Dance of Distance
Conflicts with your partner so often occur when the two of you are not in sync. The dance of distance or disconnection happens in a variety of circumstances and for a number of reasons.
The Little Things
Little things are the building blocks of big things, as a house is comprised of individual bricks and as snowflakes bond together to form snow piles. All types of accomplished athletes and artists know the necessity and power of drilling fundamentals. Similarly, engaging in a regular series of small niceties inevitably creates intimacy and relationship health, which is the focus of this blog post.