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Reflections on 51 Years of Marriage
June 7, 2021 marks 51 years of marriage to my truly extraordinary wife, Ruth, following 2.5 years of dating. I'm in awe of both the uber-dynamic adventures we've shared and how fast the years have flown by! Amidst my cornucopia of memories, I'll endeavor to hone in on and relate several highlights of our marriage and key lessons that we've learned over the decades.
Hope for Marginalized Male Partners
During my counseling and coaching practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I've witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces.
Sharing Feedback
Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another.
Aaah, Retreats!
In late February of this year, my wife Ruth and I engaged in a five-day guided, silent retreat, the latest of many similar ones in which we’ve participated. I’ll describe that experience in this blog post.
The Energy of Love
February, the love month, most notably celebrated on the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day, is here again. Love is one of, if not the most, common topics in books, articles, movies, songs, and discussions. However, love has so many facets and dimensions that we gain much more from developing heart, gut, and mental wisdom about love through life experience than we do from describing it.
Putting the "Y" into Holidays
December is the ideal month of the year to convert holidays into holy days. For my wife Ruth and I, life itself is holy. However, this last month of the year affords a special opportunity to balance the tumult of December parties and gift shopping with sacred activities. Let me explain why (“y”).
The Loneliness Epidemic
As a psychologist and couples’ coach, I’ve witnessed plenty of lonely people over the years. However, loneliness appears to have become an emotional epidemic in recent years!
Common Ways That We Regard Love
Love is one of the major themes of books, poems, movies, TV shows, and songs. I’d venture to say that there are as many views of what love means as there are people in the world. However, these various perceptions, desires, and objectives can be clustered into some common motifs.
Here are some key examples of different attitudes and approaches about romantic love...
From Work to Home
Ruth and I have supported many clients struggling with the transition between work life and home life. Increasingly, more couples complain that they are overstressed by their jobs and long work hours; they have little left in the tank upon returning home. Also, they often report that they have difficulty letting go of their experiences of the day. Hence, connection and quality time with their partners and families is substantially diminished.
What Is a Soulful Couple?
Relationships are messy. Pushing each other’s buttons can cause blowups or avoiding each other (classic Fight-Flight). The challenge is to be aware of the upset, own it as your own (your buttons were there before your partner came along, most likely), then advocate for yourself to meet your needs. Healthy communication and shared desire are essential.
Sparking!
It’s so easy and so very common for the grind of daily routines and tasks to detract from quality, enjoyable connection in your love relationship. This is likely to be particularly true for those of you who have been together for a long time. Often we relegate special moments together to special occasions, such as vacations or passionate lovemaking.
Whose Is Whose?
When the distinction of whose stuff is whose is blurry, you can feel confused, helpless, powerless and drained. Maybe you have heard the term codependency? This refers to the stage of development that involves wrapping yourself around others, merging into others, gaining self-worth from others’ approval. Our brains and nervous systems seems to be wired this way, just as primitive tribes and clans who had to band together for survival.
I Really Need Your Love!
In this month dedicated to celebrating love, especially romantic love, I’d like to discuss the influence of much of the music written for lovers and broken-hearted people.
I Am No Longer As I Was
My mother died, and I am no longer as I was. Memories are rolling through my consciousness like a fast-moving train, with snippets of my mom, dad, sisters, and extended families traveling speedily through my mind...
Tribute to THE Balabusta
My 98-year-old mother-in-law Shirley passed in early January, having by one month reached her long-time goal of living beyond her mother’s age. In an era of stay-at-home moms, Shirley was the quintessential balabusta—a Yiddish expression meaning “mistress of the house” or good housekeeper. She was the poster girl for a clean and organized household. All of her relatives teased Shirley about remaining within arm’s reach of her yellow sponge. To exemplify her systemized ways of doing things, she conscientiously kept the mustard to the right of the ketchup in her refrigerator. When dinner guests were due, Shirley inevitably set the table at least a day prior to their arrival.
Setting Intentions for 2019
Happy New Year! May 2019 be your best year ever! I invite you to set your intentions for 2019. Be sure to include ways to enhance your love relationship, or if single, to find your beloved and create your soulful relationship.
Putting the Holy in Holiday
I’m old enough to have sadly witnessed decades of increasing commercialization of Thanksgiving, Chanukah, and Christmas in our country. Holiday advertising has started earlier and is more prolific than ever. In recent years, Thanksgiving celebrations are often interrupted by Black Friday shopping, which actually begins on Thanksgiving itself, to be followed by Cyber Monday. Most stores keep longer hours for weeks leading to Christmas.
Making Space, Taking Time
I often hear from clients how they need more time and space in their lives. Burnout is a real thing. Stress can erode our health, our joy and our relationships. By draining our energy and exhausting ourselves, we are not being our best selves. We struggle on so many levels.
Turkey Time Talk
Everyone realizes that Thanksgiving Day is an annual holiday set aside for family and friends to gather, play games, watch football, and feast together. I suggest that optimally, Thanksgiving also offers a special opportunity to reflect on and express what we’re deeply grateful for in our lives.