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Reflections on 51 Years of Marriage
June 7, 2021 marks 51 years of marriage to my truly extraordinary wife, Ruth, following 2.5 years of dating. I'm in awe of both the uber-dynamic adventures we've shared and how fast the years have flown by! Amidst my cornucopia of memories, I'll endeavor to hone in on and relate several highlights of our marriage and key lessons that we've learned over the decades.
Hope for Marginalized Male Partners
During my counseling and coaching practice in recent years, I have worked with an increasing number of men who regularly feel victimized, disenfranchised, or emasculated by their women partners. What I've witnessed in serving these men, and often also their wives or girlfriends, is two colliding forces.
Sharing Feedback
Graciously giving and receiving feedback in your love relationship is a communication art requiring continual refinement. Both the person offering feedback and the recipient need to take responsibility for a clean transaction, which can have an ego-effacing effect. Even as seasoned therapists and coaches, married over 50 years, Ruth and I regularly seek to improve our own communication with one another.
Aaah, Retreats!
In late February of this year, my wife Ruth and I engaged in a five-day guided, silent retreat, the latest of many similar ones in which we’ve participated. I’ll describe that experience in this blog post.
Awakening from My Winter Cave
I just noticed Daylight Savings Time on my calendar and my heart jumped in excitement. Yay, Spring is coming! Yes, I have so enjoyed my winter cave time. And I am ready for Spring! How about you? I have had a breakthrough this winter.
The Energy of Love
February, the love month, most notably celebrated on the Hallmark holiday of Valentine’s Day, is here again. Love is one of, if not the most, common topics in books, articles, movies, songs, and discussions. However, love has so many facets and dimensions that we gain much more from developing heart, gut, and mental wisdom about love through life experience than we do from describing it.
It's Never Too Late to Have a First Date
Jim and I were dating in college in 1967. I felt like I had met “my guy” and was so delighted. I was anticipating him asking me out for our New Year’s Eve date when he called before we left campus for the winter break. Instead of asking me out, though, he actually broke up with me on the phone, saying something like, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. We are just too different and it wouldn’t work out.”
Putting the "Y" into Holidays
December is the ideal month of the year to convert holidays into holy days. For my wife Ruth and I, life itself is holy. However, this last month of the year affords a special opportunity to balance the tumult of December parties and gift shopping with sacred activities. Let me explain why (“y”).
Back to the '70s, Forward to My 70s
Nostalgia for the good ol’ days has been on my heart lately. In 1973, Jim and I moved to Greeley, Colorado for his doctorate program in psychology. At first I had a difficult adjustment, falling into a deep depression. After a while, I began opening and healing through the help of loving therapies, conscious circles of leaders and learners, evolving friends, spiritual awakenings, as well as meaningful work as a school counselor, college teacher, counselor and workshop leader.
The Loneliness Epidemic
As a psychologist and couples’ coach, I’ve witnessed plenty of lonely people over the years. However, loneliness appears to have become an emotional epidemic in recent years!
We Just Had a Terrible Fight, Now What?
We just had a terrible fight. I feel so awful. I can’t believe what s/he said to me. I am shocked at how I behaved. I am upset, confused, in a swirl of chaotic emotions; my head is screaming at me, my guts are in a knot. I can’t breathe. What do I do now??
Common Ways That We Regard Love
Love is one of the major themes of books, poems, movies, TV shows, and songs. I’d venture to say that there are as many views of what love means as there are people in the world. However, these various perceptions, desires, and objectives can be clustered into some common motifs.
Here are some key examples of different attitudes and approaches about romantic love...
What's Next?
As July 4 comes upon us once again, I ask myself these questions:
What are my freedoms? What is still bogging me down? What's next?
Beware the Wrong Button!
I’ve been watching couples’ dynamics since I was four years old. I noticed my parents and other relatives and how they interacted. My parents fought when they disagreed. They would defend their own position and make the other person feel like they were wrong. Nothing got resolved. They would fight, then avoid each other for days until they cooled off. I truly don’t remember witnessing a conversation in which they would hear each other’s point of view, find understanding, and create a solution. Maybe they did it behind closed doors. I know their style helped shape me, my marriage to Jim Sharon, and my career.
Tuning Myself
I watched my son Michael tune his guitar as he prepared to play one of his favorite songs for us during our recent visit. What a joy to hear him sing to his own accompaniment and engage us in his music. I thought about how I get out of tune, just as a guitar can. When I am off-center, triggered, stressed, or tired, I may sound and feel off-key.
From Work to Home
Ruth and I have supported many clients struggling with the transition between work life and home life. Increasingly, more couples complain that they are overstressed by their jobs and long work hours; they have little left in the tank upon returning home. Also, they often report that they have difficulty letting go of their experiences of the day. Hence, connection and quality time with their partners and families is substantially diminished.
What Is a Soulful Couple?
Relationships are messy. Pushing each other’s buttons can cause blowups or avoiding each other (classic Fight-Flight). The challenge is to be aware of the upset, own it as your own (your buttons were there before your partner came along, most likely), then advocate for yourself to meet your needs. Healthy communication and shared desire are essential.
Sparking!
It’s so easy and so very common for the grind of daily routines and tasks to detract from quality, enjoyable connection in your love relationship. This is likely to be particularly true for those of you who have been together for a long time. Often we relegate special moments together to special occasions, such as vacations or passionate lovemaking.
I Really Need Your Love!
In this month dedicated to celebrating love, especially romantic love, I’d like to discuss the influence of much of the music written for lovers and broken-hearted people.